I was asked an interesting question last week ...

I was wondering what my next Blog topic would be, and last week it arrived via a question I was asked. It was quite an unusual question, and I thought it would be a good challenge for me to answer it. The question was, How does the word failure figure in your vocabulary? Do you exclude it as a damaging word?
 
It’s actually quite a deep question, and I pondered on it all day (whilst painting a room at home) and it is interesting what thoughts and imaginings arose for me. I will share some of them with you here …
 
Failure is generally defined as a lack of success or the inability to meet an expectation, or not getting the desired outcome. It is normally seen as the opposite of success. Success, is the accomplishment of reaching a goal, purpose, or intended outcome. Success and failure are different for each of us based on our individual biographies, beliefs, mindset, attitudes, and/or values, and perhaps our Karma?
 
There are different ways to express failure. The lack of success focus, as stated above, which is based more on the ‘I am a failure’ feeling or belief because I did not achieve or become something in life, and the ‘I failed’ to do something statement, like not being able to stand on one leg for more than 10 seconds, which would probably not get me into an emotional state of feeling like a failure. In this article I am focused on the bigger picture, the bigger life failures.
 
My thoughts on failure came mainly from two perspectives. Firstly, from my own life experiences with failure and success, and secondly, from a psychotherapeutic perspective on how I work with my clients who bring this as a ‘presenting issue’ into the therapy space.
 
So how does the word failure figure in my vocabulary from my own biographical/life perspective?
 
I had to dig deep for this to come up with some clarity. In the end, what came to me was this (and I’m sure there is lots more to say if I contemplate this further). For me, measuring my success and failure is a form of self-judgement and measuring someone else’s, would be a form of judgement on them. I am measuring a perception of how I think or believe something should be. If I think and /or believe that I should have done something or other or achieved something and couldn’t, then I can easily judge that as a failure. Likewise, if I don’t complete something I could also judge that as a failure.
 
I have had two marriages, both have ended. Is that a failure? I am now 60 years old, and I don’t (yet) have my millionaire status, which I desire, is that also a failure? For me, NO, it is not a failure. It is part of my journey, part of my life process. I learn from each experience I have and then, I can make new, more informed decisions based on them.
 
And I am being very open here, one thought that came to mind for me whilst I was contemplating the question was, have I failed as a father? This is, by far, the number one thing that I could easily judge myself on. I won’t go into too much detail, but suffice to say, it has been quite a painful journey … I did, for quite a while, blame myself, saw myself as a failure, and had lots of guilt about the situation. Now, as I sit here writing this, and after lots of inner work and therapy work, I do not carry those anymore. I do not feel like a failure. The past is the past, I was not, am not, the only player. There were/are lots of moving parts and lots of cogs that link to the next cog. Words get said. Experiences happen. Stories get told - and sometimes changed (for secondary gains sometimes – I say more on this later in this article).
 
My point here being that being ‘stuck’ in the ‘failure mindset’ is a choice. I’d agree that it is not always easy to get out of it but choosing to ‘do the work’ to be free of this, often deliberating feeling, is a choice. With the right therapy and support, it is possible to be free of these feelings of failure (along with guilt, shame, etc). I know this to be true from both my own experience, and from working with many clients for over the past 20 years.
 
Does this mean that I am successful if I am not feeling any sense of failure? Yes. It means I have succeeded in not carrying the sense of failure – that is a success for me.
 
It then begs the question, why would we wish to continue to have this sense of failure in our lives? Why continue to carry it when there are possible solutions?
 
I thought about this too. Two things came to mind. Firstly, something we call ‘secondary gain’ in the field of psychotherapy. This is when something is gained by holding onto a belief, behaviour, or emotion. We gain something, generally from others around us that we have learned to enjoy. Getting rid of the pain (in this case the feeling of failure), is not a choice for the Soul if we hold onto the enjoyment of the secondary gain (which is what the Soul craves, because it has yet to experience the other choice – which is Freedom from the feeling of failure.
 
There are many secondary gains, but a couple of things are quite common. These are: attention from others, addiction to our (old) story, and/or a perceived sense of peace or relief, from not having to do or achieve something – often based on Fear, or Self-Doubt.
 
We all, in some form or another live our lives with secondary gains – we all have mind-games and soul-games going on. Whether we choose to attend to them or not is the question. Telling the same old story (of how we failed) over and over often cements our old stories deep into our lives and it can be a challenge to change them. I often share that when we ‘Name It’ we can then start to ‘Tame it’. But the desire to do so is the starting point. The desire must be there.
 
The second thing in my mind was ‘human and social conditioning’. In our western world, which is full of conditioning through advertising, peer pressure, media, literature, etc. we are dealing with failure continually, every day. Failing to look good, is one of the greatest weapons the cosmetic and fashion industry have against us. We are bombarded every day with ‘you are a failure’ – ‘you are not good enough’. It starts in school with our pass or fail exam process. Divorce and separation are often deemed as a relationship failure. The list goes on …
 
It is easy to get caught up in this. The billions spent on education, advertising, promotion, and propaganda, is incredible. It is not an easy thing to get freedom from. It takes greater awareness, much commitment, and a desire for change to begin and continue this pursuit of freedom … If you want it?!
 
I am sure there is a third, and perhaps more reasons too …
 
So, my day has been quite full of success and failure in my mind. It’s been an interesting exercise for me and given me some real clarity on how the word failure figures in my vocabulary. In terms of it being a damaging word, yes, from the perspective of it keeping us stuck in an old addiction, story, or non-serving situation, I do think it is damaging. The human potential is incredible, and we have many ways in which we stop ourselves from reaching many potentials – holding onto the sense of being a failure can be one of them. As I have expressed, I personally, would rather do the therapy work and move on from it and see each experience as a leaning process. 
 
From a Karmic perspective. I feel that if I do not wish to revisit this issue again in my next incarnation, I’d best deal with it and clear it up in this one ... Whatever it takes!
 
I’m sure many more thoughts will emerge over the next few days and weeks, but for now, that’s it ... I trust it has also given you some food for thought. Please feel free to add some comments about failure and success.
 
Blessings,
 
Adrian